Sizzling Olympic Schedule- The athletes who are too hot to miss (PART 2)
Hopefully part one of your Sizzling Olympic Schedule provided you with some much-needed insight on the hottest bodies competing in London. In case you missed it, or even if you did read it, I’d suggest taking a look because it will be updated soon with picture galleries of all the lovely ladies.
While Part 2 is written with a similar aim– alerting you to hot chicks and when they compete– the sports of focus are some of the less-hyped ones at the games and provides a little edification to help supplement your titillation. This is the perfect companion guide for the Olympics superfan who watches at non-peak hours and would rather watch a girl who knows how to handle a sword than suffer through another Michael Phelps special.
Fencing: (July 28, 30, Aug 1, 2, 4. BONUS- Every day is a medal event)
I have no idea why fencing isn’t more popular. It has been a part of every single modern Olympic games, which means it’s been rocking the rings for 116 years. Women came into the scene at the 1924 Olympics in Paris. I’m guessing they came to shop and figured they’d make themselves useful.
In my tireless research for babes in London, I’ll admit I was totally caught off-guard by this sport because I had no idea that under those bee-keeper suits were unreal bodies. It doesn’t hurt that the sport is totally dominated by Italian beauties, so front-runners should be happy to know they will be getting the best of both worlds—victory and vixens.
Valentina Vezzaliis basically the bomb.com of women’s Olympic fencing. She has won five gold medals, and has a spare silver and bronze in case she needs to accessorize with cooler tones. One of her biggest rivals is Italian teammate Margherita Granbassi, who beat her in ’06 to take gold at Worlds. Elisa Di Francisca is another Italian fencer who has had success on the world stage, but never medaled in the Olympics before. She has won 16 medals in her career, 10 of which were gold (you know, the ones that count). Her most recent gold was in Team Foil in Legnano. Now, I’m not going to pretend I know what Team Foil is, or where Legnano is, but if I were to take a stab at it, I’d guess she was multiplying binomials in Italy’s version of Legoland. So math can be sexy.
In case you wanted a second opinion on that, Google disagrees with me and thinks Foil is one of three forms of fencing that entails “light thrusting, restricted to the torso, where no double touches are allowed.” It goes on to talk about heavy thrusting that covers the entire body, but I just topped and chalked it up to Google’s dirty mind. Take whomever’s side you want on this one but know that God is always watching.
Kayak: (Aug 6-11)
I don’t want to bury the lead to I’ll come out with it: There is an International Canoe Federation and if you didn’t know that you are either ignorant or just stupid. I, apparently, am both because my efforts to look up kayaking kept turning up canoeing results to which I maturely replied “shut up, I type what I mean and mean what I type.” I later apologized (but I didn’t mean it). I’d rather blame it on the fact that women aren’t allowed to canoe, so how could I know? Next time I hear the joke “I can row, canoe?” I will reply, no, I cannot because I have a vagina. That shouldn’t make things awkward.
Again, I never thought Kayakers would have such great bodies, mostly because I’m not a fan of a woman that must turn sideways to get her shoulders through the doorway. But I quickly learned my notion was ill conceived. Last year’s 100-meter sprint champ, Germany’s Nicole Reinhardt, is a smokeshow that has no problem showing it. I can’t post her entire playboy pictorial here, but I’m not here to stop you from googling it.
Another kayaker, Australian Naomi Flood, isn’t only someone to look out for because of her pun-tastic name or because she is a six-time ironwoman that only recently switched over to kayak. No, Flood is someone to look out for because is so good she can make national teams without having even picked up the sport yet. According to her bio, Flood picked up kayaking two years ago but has been on the Australian national team for three years. If that doesn’t make you a favorite right out of the gate, I don’t know what does.
Volleyball: (July 28, 30, Aug 1, 3, 5, 7, 9, 11- basically, just tune in every other day)
Indoor volleyball should not be the after-thought to it’s sandy counterpart. This might be one of my favorite spectator sports in the games because of the natural inclination of its participants to wreck his or herself all over the floor in a glorified game of hot potato (if hot potato included spiking and short shorts).
The women’s game has captivated audiences over the span of 12 Olympics, however only five teams have ever struck gold—namely the Soviet Union, Cuba, China (are Americans sweating yet?), Japan, and most recently, Brazil.
If the mention of seeing a rotation of Brazilian women jumping around and sweating doesn’t entice you, I’d first ask you to check your pulse and then inform you that this is the subset of women who could have done modeling (and maybe do on the side) but instead chose to focus on being total bad asses. They also come with their own set of knee-pads. The more you know [insert rainbow-tailed shooting star]
Italy’s Raphaela Folie is apparently a name and face to watch out for, but besides the fact I want to steal her name if I have a daughter (I never knew I could have a female and still name her after my favorite ninja turtle) I wouldn’t waste my time trying to catch her in a good light/angle. In my professional blogging opinion, I’d suggest you turn 100 percent of your attention to Team USA and arguably the hottest thing at the games, Kim Glass. The 6-foot-3 outside hitter is only the fourth player in PAC-then-10’s history to record 2,000 kills and the all-time leader in kills at Arizona. As if being a Wildcat isn’t reason enough, Glass has posed for the SI Swimsuit Edition, which is basically the holy grail of all that is hotness. What I’m trying to say is if you don’t cheer for her, you’re a communist. Plain. And. Simple.
Field Hockey: (July 29, 31, Aug 2, 4, 6, 8, 10- fantastically fills in your non-volley ball days)
Despite the fact it is referred to it by the single moniker “hockey,” per the IOC guidelines, I refuse to believe I should have to put “ice” in front of its infinitely better winter complement. So, to clear up any confusion, we are talking about FIELD hockey here. I’ll save you my Allen Iverson-esque rant that normally would follow.
While it is more commonly known in North America as a female sport, it was a men’s only sport at the Olympics from 1908-1980. Finally, at the Moscow Olympics, someone made the observation that perhaps women might also look good in skirts, and the rest is history.
The lure of their schoolgirl inspired uniforms might almost be enough to offset the one million stoppages of play that mystify the casual viewer. If you expect me to explain any rules at this point, you’re SOL, though I can offer that the sticks–if that’s even what they call them– only shoot right and you aren’t allowed to use a backhand, two rules Pavel Datsyuk has been lobbying to change for years.
It always helps when a sport’s dominant players are also easy on the eyes. Netherlands’ defender Sophie Polkamp will be trying to help her team double dip in the gold pot as the Dutch enter Olympic competition as reigning champs. Currently ranked No. 2, the Dutch have a nice balance of youth and experience, which naturally translates to hits and misses on the looks scale. But as with any team, some of the more beat athletes pick up the slack in the relevant skill department increasing the screen-time for the more camera-friendly profiles, like Polkamp or the youngest player on the squad, 20-year-old Ellen Hoog.
Judo: (July 28 – Aug 3, Note: -48 kg & -52 kg compete July 28, 29)
Truth Bomb: Did you know Judo means “gentle way”? I couldn’t help but think Wikipedia was messing with me, and upon further review (since my college professors would kill me if I were to rely my bad wiki habit) I found that while it may not be connotatively accurate, it is the common translation and on base at its core. Which begs the question: Gentle compared to what– cage fighting? My schema of “gentle” is loosely based around kittens playing with bath tissue not strangle-holding someone into submission. I guess that’s just the power of perspective.
Since I’ve been writing from my perspective, I’ll opt for continuity over growth and stick with my uneducated view that judo is of mix of my childhood martial arts heroes, UFC god Royce Gracie and the Ninja Turtles.
Now that we’ve cleared up that judo is not really gentle, I’ll proceed.
If you’re into a girl that can beat your ass and wipe the floor with it, judo is a “can’t miss” event. I’d suggest sticking to the lighter weight classes, which bottoms out at -48 kg (or roughtly 105lbs), not because you’d stand a chance, but because the hospital bill would be substanitally less.
While I can understand if you were willing to risk serious bodily harm by way of American judoka and Beijing bronze medal winning Ronda Rousey, I will take Rousey’s absence from London to carefully sway you in the direction of some pint-sized grappling machines.
Great Britain’s Kelly Edwards is the perfect mixture of sugar and spice and busted-joints thrice. Making her debut only two years ago at the age of 19, she placed seventh at Euros. She has quickly climbed the ranks, nabbing the gold at the European Cup and the British Open European Cup in 2011 and 2012, respectively. I can’t lie; I was initially disappointed to learn she hadn’t mastered some golf-soccer hybrid but I am certainly still impressed by the ‘90s baby’s swift grasp of such a disciplined sport.
Germany’s Romy Tarangul, who competes in the -52 kg weight class, has a bronze from 2009 World’s but has yet to ever take gold in any international competition. Tarangul will be another person who will pique the interest of many male viewers, partially on account of her ability and maybe a little bit more on account of her Playboy spread. Is now a good time to remind you that she can hurt you?
And if you missed part one, or you just miss it in general, don’t be afraid to click back and relive the good life.